Reassurance

Reassurance is a normal part of childhood. Children look to their parents for guidance, feedback, and confidence. However, too much reassurance or at the wrong moment can contribute to the development and maintenance of anxiety and contamination OCD. In this lesson, you will learn some helpful guidelines for when and when not to provide your child reassurance and tools to help along the way.

The following are examples of Reassurance Seeking.

Are you sure I don't look pale?
Do you think that food was safe to eat?
Can you check my forehead to see if I have a fever?
Is it okay to go to school today? What if I feel sick?
Can I stay home just in case I get sick?
Does my stomach feel weird to you?
Will I definitely not get sick from touching this?
Can you promise I won't get sick if I eat this?
If I feel sick later, will you come get me right away?
Are you sure no one else around us is sick?

Why is it a problem?

When your child is feeling anxious and they turn to you for reassurance, they are engaging in what's known as a safety behavior. This is a short term solution that feels good in the moment but in the long term contributes to the development and maintenance of anxiety and contamination OCD.

Giving your child reassurance often feels like the right thing to do. Just like to your child, it feels like the right thing to seek. However, in order to overcome anxiety your child must learn to accept uncertainty.

Providing reassurance leads to further reassurance seeking. Children will often ask for reassurance over and over. This is how anxiety works - engaging with anxiety feeds it, and anxiety will always find a new way to ask 'what if', leading your child to seek reassurance in new forms.

Stopping reassurance is a form of commitment and love to your child. You are accepting uncertainty together, and sending the message that they are not in real danger.

When is it okay to give reassurance?

Anxiety is when the level of discomfort is disproportionate to the reality of the situation. When your child is having an elevated discomfort response to a natural part of life, stopping reassurance is essential.

How to Stop

1. Have a Plan

Have a plan for how you will respond to reassurance seeking. Some example responses:

You've handled this feeling before, and I know you can do it again.
Remember, your anxiety might be tricking you into feeling more worried than you need to be.
Let's practice being brave by sitting with this feeling for a little while.
Instead of asking me, try to think about what you would say if I asked you that question.
Let's take a deep breath together and try to shift our focus to something positive.
You've handled this feeling before, and I know you can do it again.
It's okay to feel scared, and I'm proud of you for facing your fears.
You're doing great, even though this is hard. Let's take it one step at a time together.
I'm right here beside you, and we can face this challenge as a team.

Get the entire family on board with the plan to stop providing reassurance. Once you make your plan stick to it.

2. Communicate the Plan with your Child

When your child is not having anxiety, take a moment to explain that reassurance is not helpful in the long run. Some approaches for explaining this concept:

I've noticed that answering your questions about being sick isn't helping you feel better, so I'm going to help you learn how to manage those worries without my answers.
From now on, when you ask if you're going to be sick, I'm not going to give an answer. Instead, we'll work on ways to handle those feelings together.
To beat the anxiety monster, we need to stop feeding it with constant questions. Let's practice some new ways to feel safe together.
To help you conquer your anxiety, I'm going to stop answering questions that make it grow. Instead, we'll work on tools to make you feel more in control.
I know your contamination OCD makes you feel like you need reassurance, but we're going to work on facing those fears without asking for answers. We'll take it one step at a time.

3. Be Prepared for What is Next

What comes next will be both challenging and rewarding. Let's review some common things to expect and tools you can use to handle it.

What to Expect

Initial Discomfort

Your child may be relying on reassurance for short term relief from anxiety discomfort. When you stop reassurance, expect initial increased discomfort as a response. This initial discomfort can be addressed with healthy coping skills like; breathing, grounding, body check-ins, challenging fault beliefs and more. Your child will learn these skills throughout lessons on MyOCD. By experiencing this discomfort of the 'unknown' your child will learn to process and handle uncertainty. This initial discomfort cannot be avoided because it is precisely the experience of this discomfort that will lead to recovery.

Extinction Bursts

Extinction bursts are when something gets worse before it gets better. Picture a child throwing a temper tantrum. They are not getting what they want so they cry, you don't give in, so they cry louder and louder before they finally stop. In the same way, anxiety will get louder and louder as your child faces their fear, before finally resolving. When this happens, try to recognize that anxiety getting louder is a fantastic sign of progress in therapy, and you and your child must keep going. Giving into the tantrum only encourages more - don't let anxiety win here.

Theme Changes

A theme change is the focus or subject of anxiety changes, which can occur in some during contamination OCD recovery. For example, a child recovering from the fear of elevators may start showing fears of insects. It can feel like a game of whack-a-mole, but a better analogy is squeezing toothpaste out of a tube. Keep going, keep practicing and mastering the skills and techniques and eventually your child will have the ability to process any change in the anxiety subject.

Relapse

In contamination OCD recovery a relapse is when a previous fear returns. This is a natural and expected part of recovery. As your child makes recovery progress, this can feel like something that can be 'lost'. The truth is, you and your child will learn more on the hard days than on the good - and therefore days during and after a relapse are actually the most helpful towards building the habits and strength to overcome contamination OCD. When your child has a relapse (a return of a previous fear, a panic attack, a hard day), try to celebrate it! There is no recovery without relapse, there is no relapse without progress.

Summary

Identifying and stopping reassurance is essential for helping your child overcome contamination OCD. Now you have a plan and are prepared for what comes next.